Seven Squirrels and How to Judge Them
The squirrel is a creature of great interest, and also great annoyance. It lives in the garden, it moves along the fence, and it does so with the swagger of a creature who knows it is out of reach. Juniper Fitch has been observing squirrels for years and presents seven distinct types.
The Acrobat
This squirrel performs impossible leaps between branches, often pausing in mid air to look at the audience. It is clearly showing off, and Juniper finds it deeply upsetting.
The Accountant
It buries nuts with great precision and returns to check on them. It has a notebook, or at least it behaves as though it has. It is not to be trusted with money.
The Statue
This squirrel sits perfectly still on the fence for minutes at a time, as though carved from stone. It is waiting for you to look away. When you do, it moves.
The Thief
It raids the bird feeder, scattering seed, and then looks at you through the window with a face of innocence. We have no evidence, but we have a suspicion, and the suspicion has a bushy tail.
The Philosopher
A quiet squirrel that holds a nut in both paws and gazes into the middle distance. It is considering the nature of existence. Or it is considering lunch. The two are often the same.
The Gossip
It chatters, scolds and flicks its tail at anyone who passes. Its voice carries across the garden, and it is clear that it is saying things about you. Commodore Whiskerley has chattered back on several occasions, to no avail.
The Mystery
Occasionally a squirrel appears that does not fit any category. It is a little too large, a little too calm and wearing, as far as we can tell, a small hat. We have reported it to the authorities, who do not exist.
How to judge a squirrel
- Appearance: bushy tail, quick eyes
- Attitude: smug, always
- Threat level: low, but irritating
- Reachability: zero
Conclusion
We do not wish squirrels harm. We simply wish they would stop looking at us as though they have won, which they have.
