Expedition Memo: Regarding the Incident at the Bird Feeder
From: Commodore Barnaby Whiskerley
To: All naturalists, guests and Monocle
Subject: The bird feeder, and the sound I made
Dear colleagues, I am writing to address the events of last Thursday morning, during which a rare goldfinch landed on the feeder outside the main viewing window. I wish to clarify what followed.
The facts
At 7.42 AM, a goldfinch arrived. It was yellow, and it was beautiful. I saw it, Juniper saw it, and Monocle saw it, though as a telescope he mostly saw a ceiling. For a brief and shining moment, we were all united in a single purpose: to stare.
The noise
At 7.43 AM, I made a noise. It was a low rapid chattering sound, produced by the jaw. I did not intend to make it. It happened by itself, like a sneeze, and like a sneeze it was deeply embarrassing.
The reaction
The goldfinch left at once. It did not look back. The guests, three young cats and a very dignified Persian, fell silent. One of them said, “Was that you?” and I replied that it was the wind.
Our policy on chattering
Chattering is a natural response to a bird that cannot be reached, and we do not forbid it. However, we ask all staff to observe the following:
- Chatter quietly, if at all
- Do not chatter in the presence of rare species
- Do not chatter in the presence of rare species that have just arrived
- If you must chatter, do so into a cushion
Apology
I apologise to the goldfinch, to the guests and to the feeder. I also apologise to myself, who should know better. In future, I shall remain composed and place a firm paw on my own jaw.
Next steps
A refresher session on dignity will be held on Wednesday. It will consist of sitting very still while a bird lands nearby. Anyone who chatters will be asked to leave the room and think about what they have done.
With regret and a touch of pride,
Barnaby Whiskerley, Commodore
